You have got to be kidding me...this cannot be true!

I had made a decision. I wasn't going to raise my girls with an addict.  It was too much to keep having to explain all the time why daddy left to go to the store or work and didn't come home for a day or two. They would wait and wait for him to come home and keep asking where's daddy? When will daddy be home?  Some nights they would cry for him but usually they fell asleep waiting.  It was so sad to watch me babies worrying at such a young age and I knew this wasn't what I wanted for them. So I made an appointment with an attorney.  When I walked into the office I was prepared with the paperwork from the police station of his arrest for domestic violence, dates and incidents of his use, the treatment facilities paperwork and the times he had tested positive for drugs.  I was completely unprepared for what came next.  The attorney informed me that in our state he would be allowed unsupervised visitation of at least one evening per week and every other weekend unless I had some evidence that he physically abused them.  I couldn't believe it. He said he totally understood my concern but unless I had strong evidence that he abused the girls such as video recordings then the chances of him not getting visitation was slim to none.  I felt the cannon ball in the pit of my stomach again.  I couldn't take the chance that my one and three year old daughters would be left in his care and he would drive with them while high or go someplace with them where someone else might have access to them that wasn't responsible enough to take care of them.  My husband would never abuse the girls and I knew that then and now but I didn't know if he might meet someone else and they might hurt or neglect them and frankly that was a chance I wasn't willing to take so I made the decision to stay.  We went to counseling.  I started throwing a newspaper 7 days a week to earn money since I had lost my babysitting job and I definitely felt that I had to finish college now so I could work and make money when the girls were in school and not have to put them in daycare.  I got up every morning at 2:30 a.m. and went and got the newspapers.  I folded, banded, and threw 355 newspapers every morning and would get back home between 5:30 and 6 a.m.  My husband would be getting ready for work when I returned.  If I was lucky the girls would still be in bed and I could get 1-2 hours sleep but some mornings they were already awake and I would be up for the day.  During the day I worked on homework, cleaned house, took care of the girls and then when my husband got home from work I left for class and wouldn't get home until 10:30 p.m.  I went to school M-F evenings and then all day Saturday year round.  My husband started using again shortly after the outpatient treatment was over.  On more than one occasion he wouldn't come home from work and would still be gone at 2:30 a.m. when I had to go get the papers so I would have to wake up the girls and take them with me to throw the papers.  A few times I got there and he had already picked up the papers but hadn't brought them home so I had to pay for 355 papers which meant I didn't make any money.  I finally told them not to let him pick them up; only release  the papers to me.  I would get so angry with him for using drugs and with myself for staying.  I didn't want to stay but every time I would decide I had to leave I couldn't do it anymore I would think of my two precious babies that I loved more than life itself being taken away and something bad happening and I would stay.  But all of this kept me in a constant state of stress and anxiety and I was always yelling or on the verge of a meltdown. My poor babies had to endure more than they ever should have because I didn't know how to deal with my husband and his behavior.  During this time my grandpa became very ill.  Since my parents were divorced when I was 4 and a half my grandparents were the only stable, loving, reliable people in my life. They were the ones that loved me unconditionally and I knew would do anything in the world for me.  My grandpa became so weak he had trouble walking.  I was taking him to the doctors and they couldn't find anything wrong.  He kept saying they haven't found my problem yet.  Then he became so weak we had to put him in assisted living because he was 6'2" and my grandma and I couldn't lift him and were afraid we would drop him and he'd break something.  One day as we left the doctor's office and came out to the car, he was in a wheelchair, I was trying to help him into the car and he didn't have the strength to help me and I almost dropped him. It scared both of us so bad that he agreed to go to assisted living just until he could get strong enough to come back home.  My grandma would go at 7 a.m. and stay all day until 5 and then I would go and stay all evening until he went to bed.  They were giving him physical therapy and all kinds of tests but weren't finding anything to cause his symptoms.  He just kept getting worse and worse.  We put him back in the hospital and I stayed with him.  I was almost done with my classes at this point and he and I had many long talks while he was in the hospital.  I am the only one in my family to go to college.  My mom, grandma and I are the only ones to finish high school.  My sister and brother both dropped out their senior years and then got their GED.  It was very important to me that my grandpa be at my graduation not only had I worked very hard and overcome many obstacles to get to this point but I also loved my grandpa with a love that is impossible to explain with words.  I would have done anything for him and it was very important to me that he be there when I walked the stage and received my college diploma.  We talked about that and he told me he'd be there whether he was physically there or spiritually there.  I told him Grandpa you know I'm going to finish don't you! He said absolutely no doubt! That made me feel so much better.