I cannot even breathe...this is unconceiveable to me...

     I couldn't think, I couldn't even comprehend that he was doing IV drugs again.  This was just unbelievable! Then I decided, "I am not going to fall apart".  I'm done!  I showed him what I found and he did the same thing he always does.  Denies it first then when he sees I'm not going to let him get away with the lies he admits it.  Then he proceeded to tell me that he left it in his pocket on purpose so I would find out because he didn't want to do it again.  I told him that I felt like he was doing this to break me and get me to gain the weight back so that I would be numb and he could do what he wanted but that was not happening. I told him if he decided he was going to use drugs that was his decision but that I was not going to stand by and watch him go down that road again.  I was done!  I told him I was going to the breakfast meeting that morning and I was staying in San Diego and doing what I came there to do and it was up to him what he was going to do but if it included drugs to stay away from me.  He said he didn't have any other drugs and wasn't going to do any.  I told him I wasn't making any decisions until I got back home but I assured him drugs weren't in my future.  We went to the meeting and attended the convention the next three days.  He said he definitely didn't want anything to do with drugs and he was going to stay clean and get help.
     When we got home he signed up for a one year Men's Bible Study through our church without me even mentioning it and I was floored! He had never done anything like that before.  He went to church, went home, went to small group if I went, but didn't do anything on his own or commit to anything else. So this was amazing that he would make a year long commitment to meet once a week and read several books.  I was cautiously optimistic.  

This cannot be happening...

     Over the next year the business was down but still making money.  My husband didn't seem to be enjoying it as he had before though.  He was irritable and turned the customers over to the manager to handle because he didn't want to deal with them.  We had the same manager for over 7 years.  He was a customer that was unemployed and didn't have a trade.  My husband liked his personality so he had paid all his expenses: car, airfare, hotel, meals, and schooling, to be trained to work in the business and then manage it.  He had to go to classes three separate times in another state all expenses paid.  He was good with the customers but he was lazy and didn't get the paperwork done on a daily basis and didn't ever do anything to promote new business.  I spoke to my husband the year I was on my leave of absences and ask him if we could get rid of him and find someone more experienced and willing to work.  He told me the customers love him if I get rid of him that will upset them.
     When the economy started coming back a little at a time our business didn't see the growth that you would expect and instead of getting better it was getting worse.  Over the next year we found out the manager was stealing money and customers from us.  This betrayal was more than my husband could take.  He fell apart.  He went in to a deep depression, started drinking, was arrested for a DUI, went into the hospital for depression, and basically fell apart.  My husband is the kind of person that would do anything in the world for his friends and would never betray them.  The fact that this man was a friend of his hurt him more than the money.  He just couldn't believe that someone would do that to someone they supposedly were friends with.
     During this time I had made a decision to get healthy myself.  I had eaten myself up to 267 pounds and a size 24.  I had decided that I no longer wanted to just exist and survive; I wanted to be healthy and happy.  I made a lot of changes and released 134 pounds in 12 months.  We ended up having to file bankruptcy and change our entire lives.  The entire year was stressful but once we got everything taken care of I thought we were back on track and my husband was showing signs of the sober man he had been for 17 years.  I thought wow! I think things might work out.
     I was going to San Diego and he wanted to come with me.  I was being recognized for my weight loss and getting an award.  I was excited to have him with me and be sharing something positive for a change.  The morning of the first event I woke up early to shower and get ready.  After I got dressed I woke him up and began tidying up the hotel room.  I was hanging up clothes and picking up dirty clothes and putting them up. I picked up the jeans he'd been wearing the day before off the floor and started matching the seams to crease them and hang them up when a syringe fell out of the pocket.  My entire world started to spin and I actually felt as if the breath had been knocked out of me!

I can breathe easier...

     My husband started having days, then weeks, then months, and finally years where he didn't use drugs or drink.  He even quit smoking the swisher sweet cigars he smoked at work.  I thought things were really starting to turn around.  We were both working, taking vacations with the kids, looking more and more like a "normal" family but the intimacy I craved still wasn't there.  I thought it would come in time.  We started attending church again and even became the adults over the middle school youth group.  Then three years after grandpa's death my grandma became ill with bronchitis and ended up having a heart attack and dying a couple of weeks later.   It was so devastating because now both my grandparents were gone.  It is a sadness that I cannot explain with words because these were the two people in my life that always believed in me, always loved me unconditionally, and would have done anything for me.  They lived for their family and we all loved them beyond words.  I can honestly say that after my grandma died nothing has ever been the same.  She was the glue that held everything together and holidays have definitely changed.
     Shortly after grandma died my husband bought our daughter a horse and we had to have the horse boarded so he thought it would be great to have a home where we could have horses.  By this time he had been promoted and was making more money and I had received raises so we decided to build a new house on horse property.  It was exciting to see how far we had come and what was possible being drug free.  The girls were so excited because we had lived in town where they weren't allowed to play outside without an adult and at the new house we were in the country on a cul de sac with only 8 houses and everyone had kids and new each other so they were allowed to play outside and each parent kept an eye on them so they felt like they had some freedom.
     After 9/11 the owners of the company my husband worked for came to all the managers and said they didn't care what they had to do just make sure they kept the numbers up.  He wasn't comfortable doing that so he came home one day and said he wanted to open his own business because he thought he could be honest and still make a living without feeling like he had to scam people.  So we found a place and he opened his own business.  He was correct! He made money from day one.  We were watching our savings grow.  We were able to travel and buy a new car.  Life was good and he was very happy.  We still didn't have that intimacy I craved but things were much better and we had the money to go places with the girls and have fun as a family.  After about three years he felt like he had outgrown the location that we were in and he wanted to move.  We found a bigger facility and were able to partner with a national chain and the business continued to grow.  Life was great and our daughter was graduating from high school after only 3 years with honors and going to college on a scholarship in another town about 2 hours from home.  We decided that I would take a one year leave so I would be available to help her if she needed it and I could help out at the business too.  During this year is when the economy tanked!  The business was still doing good and making money but not as much as it had been.  After my leave was up I went back to teaching so we would have insurance and extra income in case the economy didn't rebound as fast as we wanted.  Oh course it was the worse downturn since the great depression but thankfully the business was still doing good.
     During this time someone told me they thought my husband was drinking but I couldn't find any evidence or proof so I thought they were mistaken. 

Could this possibly be the answer to my prayers...

     My grandpa underwent several tests on Thursday because he continued to grow weaker and weaker and they couldn't figure out why.  On Monday morning at a few minutes past 1:00 a.m. he took his final breath on earth and my world crashed.  It was the first time someone close to me had died and he was the single most important male in my life.  He was my rock. He was the only man I had ever been able to completely trust and know without a shadow of a doubt that he would never hurt me.  It felt as if my heart would burst.  I have never known the depths of sorrow that I experienced in losing him.  I had to call my grandma and my mom and tell them to get to the hospital that he was gone.  When I returned home that morning around 6:00 a.m. and told my husband that grandpa had died he hugged me and told me he was sorry because he knew how much grandpa meant to me.  It was the first time my husband acknowledged any of my pain. Ever. It impacted me deeply.  The next few days were a blur.  I had to tell my girls what had happened and of course they too were upset.  On Tuesday we received the results of his tests that they had taken on Thursday and found out he had lung cancer.  It was a shock because he had never smoked a day in his life.
     The next few days were like a blur.  Going to the funeral home, calling friends and family, the funeral, graveside services, trying to be strong for everyone and helping my grandma.  My grandpa had been the leader of our family all my life because my mom was divorced so he was the only consistent, dependable male in my life.  It was unbelievable to me that he was gone.  It didn't seem like the world would ever be right again.  I had to continue my classes and I DEFINITELY wanted to make sure I finished because I know he believed in me and I didn't want to let him down.  My birthday was just two weeks after he died then Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year and so many firsts without him.  My husband continued to use drugs on and off but I did notice a change in him during this time.
     I cannot tell you exactly when because needless to say he didn't discuss it with me but sometime during that first year after grandpa died my husband stopped using drugs.  I have often wondered if it had something to do with grandpa dying.  Did my husband realize the girls and I truly needed him now that we couldn't depend on grandpa? Did he finally just get tired of being sick and tired?  Did he realize I was done with my degree and could make it on my own with the girls?  These are questions I asked myself on a regular basis and I would love to tell you that I found the answer but I didn't and he says he doesn't know what finally did it.
     My husband is a "rare type of user" that is what the counselors tell me.  He always hid his use from everyone (except whoever he was getting the drugs from).  Friends and family couldn't believe he was an addict.  He never went partying or with any others to use.  He always did it alone.  He doesn't speak about it or talk about any emotions or feelings.  That is what has always been the hardest on me.  During this time to my surprise he started going to meetings; NA and AA.  I took the girls and went to the alanon meeting that was offered for families at the same time.  I was glad that he was going to meetings and I was happy to go to Alanon but I was sad, frustrated, resentful that my girls, who were 3 and 5 had to go to the meetings.  At first I was very hopeful but as time went on he didn't get a sponsor and he never worked the steps.  We went to the meetings for several months and he did stay sober but we never got to the intimacy in our relationship that I craved.  By intimacy I am referring to a husband and wife who communicate and share things with each other; not sex.
     In May, after grandpa died I graduated from college; I know he was there, and during the summer I was able to get a job teaching second grade. I loved the students and teaching.  I loved the fact that my husband was sober and things were starting to get comfortable at home.  We were a family without daily drama but things were not fine.  We were not dealing with any deep issues or getting well emotionally. 

You have got to be kidding me...this cannot be true!

I had made a decision. I wasn't going to raise my girls with an addict.  It was too much to keep having to explain all the time why daddy left to go to the store or work and didn't come home for a day or two. They would wait and wait for him to come home and keep asking where's daddy? When will daddy be home?  Some nights they would cry for him but usually they fell asleep waiting.  It was so sad to watch me babies worrying at such a young age and I knew this wasn't what I wanted for them. So I made an appointment with an attorney.  When I walked into the office I was prepared with the paperwork from the police station of his arrest for domestic violence, dates and incidents of his use, the treatment facilities paperwork and the times he had tested positive for drugs.  I was completely unprepared for what came next.  The attorney informed me that in our state he would be allowed unsupervised visitation of at least one evening per week and every other weekend unless I had some evidence that he physically abused them.  I couldn't believe it. He said he totally understood my concern but unless I had strong evidence that he abused the girls such as video recordings then the chances of him not getting visitation was slim to none.  I felt the cannon ball in the pit of my stomach again.  I couldn't take the chance that my one and three year old daughters would be left in his care and he would drive with them while high or go someplace with them where someone else might have access to them that wasn't responsible enough to take care of them.  My husband would never abuse the girls and I knew that then and now but I didn't know if he might meet someone else and they might hurt or neglect them and frankly that was a chance I wasn't willing to take so I made the decision to stay.  We went to counseling.  I started throwing a newspaper 7 days a week to earn money since I had lost my babysitting job and I definitely felt that I had to finish college now so I could work and make money when the girls were in school and not have to put them in daycare.  I got up every morning at 2:30 a.m. and went and got the newspapers.  I folded, banded, and threw 355 newspapers every morning and would get back home between 5:30 and 6 a.m.  My husband would be getting ready for work when I returned.  If I was lucky the girls would still be in bed and I could get 1-2 hours sleep but some mornings they were already awake and I would be up for the day.  During the day I worked on homework, cleaned house, took care of the girls and then when my husband got home from work I left for class and wouldn't get home until 10:30 p.m.  I went to school M-F evenings and then all day Saturday year round.  My husband started using again shortly after the outpatient treatment was over.  On more than one occasion he wouldn't come home from work and would still be gone at 2:30 a.m. when I had to go get the papers so I would have to wake up the girls and take them with me to throw the papers.  A few times I got there and he had already picked up the papers but hadn't brought them home so I had to pay for 355 papers which meant I didn't make any money.  I finally told them not to let him pick them up; only release  the papers to me.  I would get so angry with him for using drugs and with myself for staying.  I didn't want to stay but every time I would decide I had to leave I couldn't do it anymore I would think of my two precious babies that I loved more than life itself being taken away and something bad happening and I would stay.  But all of this kept me in a constant state of stress and anxiety and I was always yelling or on the verge of a meltdown. My poor babies had to endure more than they ever should have because I didn't know how to deal with my husband and his behavior.  During this time my grandpa became very ill.  Since my parents were divorced when I was 4 and a half my grandparents were the only stable, loving, reliable people in my life. They were the ones that loved me unconditionally and I knew would do anything in the world for me.  My grandpa became so weak he had trouble walking.  I was taking him to the doctors and they couldn't find anything wrong.  He kept saying they haven't found my problem yet.  Then he became so weak we had to put him in assisted living because he was 6'2" and my grandma and I couldn't lift him and were afraid we would drop him and he'd break something.  One day as we left the doctor's office and came out to the car, he was in a wheelchair, I was trying to help him into the car and he didn't have the strength to help me and I almost dropped him. It scared both of us so bad that he agreed to go to assisted living just until he could get strong enough to come back home.  My grandma would go at 7 a.m. and stay all day until 5 and then I would go and stay all evening until he went to bed.  They were giving him physical therapy and all kinds of tests but weren't finding anything to cause his symptoms.  He just kept getting worse and worse.  We put him back in the hospital and I stayed with him.  I was almost done with my classes at this point and he and I had many long talks while he was in the hospital.  I am the only one in my family to go to college.  My mom, grandma and I are the only ones to finish high school.  My sister and brother both dropped out their senior years and then got their GED.  It was very important to me that my grandpa be at my graduation not only had I worked very hard and overcome many obstacles to get to this point but I also loved my grandpa with a love that is impossible to explain with words.  I would have done anything for him and it was very important to me that he be there when I walked the stage and received my college diploma.  We talked about that and he told me he'd be there whether he was physically there or spiritually there.  I told him Grandpa you know I'm going to finish don't you! He said absolutely no doubt! That made me feel so much better. 

Oh NO this cannot be happening again...

While I was pregnant with our second daughter my husband lost his job and the school eventually closed.  He went back to working at a shop as a mechanic.  Our daughter was born and everything was going well.  I took a 9 month leave of absence to be a mom and just stay home and love on my babies.  When I went back to work I was working a lot of overtime and having to drive at least an hour each way.  My job was very demanding and we were having a lot of trouble finding good daycare so we decided to move closer to my job and my family. We found a beautiful, large four bedroom home and bought it. We were still having trouble finding good reliable childcare so when the company I was working for offered early retirement and a buyout program that would enable me to have 2 years of unlimited education paid for we decided I should take the buyout and stay home and go to school and get my degree.  I gladly took it even though I was worried about doing away with my income because I had been at the phone company for 13 years and made more money than my husband.  He wanted me to and said we would manage.  I was thrilled to be able to stay home with the girls!  My husband had moved to a shop close to our new home so he didn't have a long commute either.  I decided to register with an in home daycare company and offer childcare in my home to supplement our income.  I registered in college.  I would watch 2 toddlers during the day and then when my husband came home I would leave for class and he would take care of our girls.  After a couple of minutes I suspected something was wrong.  He wasn't acting the same and strange things were beginning to happen.  One day he went to work and after lunch he called me and said he was downtown and parked the car he had been working on and when he came out it was not there and he had gone everywhere looking for it and couldn't find it.  Most people would think oh the car must have been stolen but those of us who live with an addict know when things aren't adding up then most likely it means they're using.  I just got this massive pit in the bottom of my stomach; the one where you feel like you have a cannon ball laying in your abdomen.  It's a very heavy debilitating feeling.  It's a feeling that is almost impossible to understand if you haven't lived through it or experienced it yourself.  You go along and think wow I can relax, breathe with ease, and then something happens and your entire world is turned upside down.  For anyone who has never lived with an addict they can't even begin to understand.  I have tried to explain to my husband how I feel and what it does to me but he can't understand because he always knows where I am and what I'm doing.  When I tell him where I'll be or what I will be doing he knows that's what is happening and doesn't even have to think about it because he knows he can trust me.  On the other hand as an addict they get used to lying so it's second nature to them.  They don't even think of it as lying its just the way they survive and are able to get what they crave.  One of the first ways I know he's using again is when things happen that don't add up...like losing a car just going in a building and coming back out.  Over the next few weeks many peculiar things started happening and then one morning we got up and I can't even remember what happened but we had words and ended up in our bedroom with him holding me down and yelling and then he picked up a phone and threw it.  Our girls who were 1 and 3 at the time were there and were crying. This just broke my heart that they had to witness what was happening. I ran out of the door and over to the neighbor and asked her to call the police.  This was before cell phones were a common household item.  When the police came they took him in.  At that time if the police were called someone had to go in to jail. He never hit me but he threw the phone in my direction so they had to take him in. I didn't know that because I had never been involved with the police before.  I am not condoning or excusing what he did but I will tell you that this had never happened before or since.  I still do not know why it happened that day.  I don't know if it was bad drugs or what but it was not the norm for him.  It just goes to show that you really don't know when or if something will escalate when dealing with an addict.  During all of this the mother of one of the kids I was babysitting came to drop off her daughter. Needless to say I didn't watch her daughter again. I didn't blame her one bit; I would not feel comfortable leaving my toddler in the situation either. The next day he came home and the police called and said we had to come down to the police station and speak with the prosecutor.  I knew I was done and wasn't going to continue living like this or subjecting my children to this  It was after this episode that he started an outpatient program and the police dropped all charges and said that if he didn't get in any other trouble it would drop off his record after two years. This is when I decided it was time to see an attorney...

I didn't want my daughter raised with an addict!

I didn't want my baby to grow up with an addict but I also didn't want her to come from a broken home.  My husband and I both are children of divorce situations.  His parents divorced when he was 6 and his mother was a life long alcoholic and his father was in the military and stationed overseas for much of his childhood.  My parents divorced when I was 4 and a half years old and it was an ugly situation with a lot of anger so I didn't see much of my father and wasn't allowed to show affection to him without making my mother angry.  I dreamed of having a loving caring family to raise my daughter and didn't want her to have to stress or worry.  Like most parents I wanted what was best for her and for her to be able to have a carefree childhood full of love, fun and happiness.  During this time I had to tell my parents, his parents, family members, and friends because he was inpatient.   That is one of the things I (many others do too) struggled with; that he was the one using the drugs but because he was inpatient I had the responsibility of informing everyone what was going on.  It's hard to call parents and explain that you've married a drug addict or call his parents and let them know about their son.  He completed a 21 day inpatient treatment program and then we did follow up classes for about six weeks and he attended AA and NA classes.  He got a job teaching automotive classes at a college and really enjoyed it.  He was drug free, loving being a dad to his daughter from his first marriage who was 4 and our newborn daughter and we were finally living like the family I dreamed of all my life. 
I went back to work when our daughter was 6 months old and we were financially getting back on our feet.  I started to relax and we decided we should have another baby. He had been drug free almost two years and I couldn't have been happier.  I became pregnant when our first daughter was 20 months old.  We were excited to have a new baby.  Our two older girls went to big sister classes, we got the nursery ready and everyone was excited!