My grandpa underwent several tests on Thursday because he continued to grow weaker and weaker and they couldn't figure out why. On Monday morning at a few minutes past 1:00 a.m. he took his final breath on earth and my world crashed. It was the first time someone close to me had died and he was the single most important male in my life. He was my rock. He was the only man I had ever been able to completely trust and know without a shadow of a doubt that he would never hurt me. It felt as if my heart would burst. I have never known the depths of sorrow that I experienced in losing him. I had to call my grandma and my mom and tell them to get to the hospital that he was gone. When I returned home that morning around 6:00 a.m. and told my husband that grandpa had died he hugged me and told me he was sorry because he knew how much grandpa meant to me. It was the first time my husband acknowledged any of my pain. Ever. It impacted me deeply. The next few days were a blur. I had to tell my girls what had happened and of course they too were upset. On Tuesday we received the results of his tests that they had taken on Thursday and found out he had lung cancer. It was a shock because he had never smoked a day in his life.
The next few days were like a blur. Going to the funeral home, calling friends and family, the funeral, graveside services, trying to be strong for everyone and helping my grandma. My grandpa had been the leader of our family all my life because my mom was divorced so he was the only consistent, dependable male in my life. It was unbelievable to me that he was gone. It didn't seem like the world would ever be right again. I had to continue my classes and I DEFINITELY wanted to make sure I finished because I know he believed in me and I didn't want to let him down. My birthday was just two weeks after he died then Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year and so many firsts without him. My husband continued to use drugs on and off but I did notice a change in him during this time.
I cannot tell you exactly when because needless to say he didn't discuss it with me but sometime during that first year after grandpa died my husband stopped using drugs. I have often wondered if it had something to do with grandpa dying. Did my husband realize the girls and I truly needed him now that we couldn't depend on grandpa? Did he finally just get tired of being sick and tired? Did he realize I was done with my degree and could make it on my own with the girls? These are questions I asked myself on a regular basis and I would love to tell you that I found the answer but I didn't and he says he doesn't know what finally did it.
My husband is a "rare type of user" that is what the counselors tell me. He always hid his use from everyone (except whoever he was getting the drugs from). Friends and family couldn't believe he was an addict. He never went partying or with any others to use. He always did it alone. He doesn't speak about it or talk about any emotions or feelings. That is what has always been the hardest on me. During this time to my surprise he started going to meetings; NA and AA. I took the girls and went to the alanon meeting that was offered for families at the same time. I was glad that he was going to meetings and I was happy to go to Alanon but I was sad, frustrated, resentful that my girls, who were 3 and 5 had to go to the meetings. At first I was very hopeful but as time went on he didn't get a sponsor and he never worked the steps. We went to the meetings for several months and he did stay sober but we never got to the intimacy in our relationship that I craved. By intimacy I am referring to a husband and wife who communicate and share things with each other; not sex.
In May, after grandpa died I graduated from college; I know he was there, and during the summer I was able to get a job teaching second grade. I loved the students and teaching. I loved the fact that my husband was sober and things were starting to get comfortable at home. We were a family without daily drama but things were not fine. We were not dealing with any deep issues or getting well emotionally.
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